Okay, I'll Play

Joist quit right before perhaps the best part of the Gammons article, so I guess I'll have to pick it up...

One sees Carew and Killebrew, Oliva and Molitor and the ever-diligent presence of former manager and current Twins executive Tom Kelly drilling players on the back fields. But one doesn't Johan Santana or Hunter, only the lingering question of whether or not they will trade closer Joe Nathan at the deadline if they're trailing by double digits at the All-Star break.

I think (it's always hard to tell for sure) that Gammons' main theme in this article is that the Twins will probably have a rough year, but the club has some promising components as well. Here, he dumbly decides to present this view to us in the form of what "one sees" and what "one" does not "see" when "one" (apparently) gazes at the Twins' spring training facility, something Peter Gammons apparently did.

So what does "one" "see"? "Carew and Killebrew, Oliva and Molitor and the ever-diligent presence of former manager and current Twins executive Tom Kelly drilling players on the back fields."

A few things about this sentence in particular:

1) I've noted this before: Gammons has this strange and clumsy habit of listing things, particularly people, in pairs. Normal English would formulate the list of ex-players as follows: "Carew, Killebrew, Oliva, and Molitor" (or without the comma if you prefer -- I don't). Gammons lists them in pairs, I suppose to keep you on your toes ("You think I'm done naming players after Killebrew? Wrong! I have two more! Maybe I still have two more after that? Ha! I don't, idiot.").

2) How can a person's "presence" be "diligent"? He could have just deleted the words "presence of," they serve no purpose other than to make the sentence even more wrong.

3) "Drilling players"? The first image that popped into my head as I read this sentence was an elderly Tom Kelly pegging Joe Mauer in the back with elderly fastballs. Gammons means of course that he was leading practice drills, but I've never seen "drill" used for this meaning in transitive verb form. Granted, I don't hear the word used as much as people actually in baseball do, but I sure don't trust English-deficient Gammons to know the correct usage.

4) What are "back fields"? Isn't that something in football?

Okay, so now I know what "one" "sees" at the Twinkies' Spring Training facility. Got it, old Twinkies showing young Twinkies how to do stuff. What next? "But one doesn't Johan Santana or Hunter, only the lingering question of whether or not they will trade closer Joe Nathan at the deadline if they're trailing by double digits at the All-Star break."

Whoops! There's something missing from this sentence. Little Billy, you've taken two weeks of grammar in your life, what is it? That's right, Billy! It's a verb! As an expert Gammons decipherer, I have deduced that the missing verb is "sees," as in what "one" does not "see" because of the fact that the things are not there.

The second half of this sentence concerns the question of whether Joe Nathan will be traded. First off, just how does one "see" this? Where on the "back fields" is the question located in relation to the "diligent presence" of Tom Kelly? Does it take the form of a ghostly question mark wearing a Twins hat? But seriously, way to tie everything together Peter, very effective.

Second, just when might the Twins trade Nathan? According to Gammons, they may or may not trade him "at the deadline" if they're behind by 10 games "at the All-Star break." Pop quiz, Billy: When are the All-Star Break and the trading deadline? Hint: They are not at the same time. To further confuse the timing element, Gammons describes the question as presently "lingering." Shhhh, Billy, stop crying, Peter Gammons can't hurt you.

Boof Bonser has reshaped his body, Scott Baker has been bothered by a minor upper back strain but is progressing and Kevin Slowey will get a place in the rotation after going 10-5 at Triple-A Rochester and 4-1 with the Twins last season. There is no pretense of power, just the promise to throw strikes and get to what should be a very strong bullpen with Nathan at the end and Pat Neshek, Juan Rincon, Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain and the very impressive Nick Blackburn setting up.

Does Gammons know what "pretense" means? What a weird word choice. More importantly, where is there no "pretense" of power? Billy, this is precisely why you don't start your sentences with "there is" -- it's gosh darn vague. Again however, as an expert Gammons decipherer, I gather after a few readings (and based on my recollection that Boof Bonser throws gas) that Gammons is saying that Kevin Slowey in particular is not a power pitcher.

Okay, enough about the Twins, let's skip down to a brief item at the bottom of the post:

Taking in two hours of Bill Belichick with Tony La Russa watching simple spring training drills was fascinating. Belichick asked La Russa to explain almost every drill.

Obviously this makes absolutely no sense. Based only on my knowledge of who Belichick, La Russa, and Gammons are, I can surmise what happened: I think Tony La Russa led some baseball drills while Belichick and Gammons watched. My scenario is not at all what Gammons writes here, literally speaking, but it bears a stronger relationship with reality.

Okay, I've had enough. I'm a bit sick right now, and reading all this Gammons has added nausea to my list of symptoms. Must rest...