Sunday, March 30, 2008

Announcer Dumnbess II

Tonight is opening night, and Joe Morgan was back in the booth once again, much to the chagrin of these guys. Finding examples of Announcer Dumbness in a Joe Morgan broadcast is really too easy, and I could probably just transcribe the entire broadcast into this blog. But I don't have time for that. So I'll just give you a tasty sample, a tip of the iceberg:

Joe Morgan, about Ray King, after King threw a few straight balls: "This is surprising, because his strength is coming out and throwing strikes."

A mere 5 minutes or so before Joe made this statement, ESPN had flashed King's 2007 stats on the screen. Before I even knew Joe would say this, King's walk total jumped out at me: he issued 21 walks in only 39 innings (against only 25 strikeouts).

Me: Wow, that's surprising! Joe Morgan's strength is coming out and saying smart, well-researched things!

Uh oh

Both Peter Gammons and Buster Olney picked my Tribe to win the World Series this year. On the bright side, so did Keith Law.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Perhaps This is Why Gammons' Columns Aren't Edited

For this Gammons column, I decided to pretend that somebody at ESPN read my blog and decided to give me a job as Gammons' personal editor. This post will probably take me several weeks to complete. We shall see.

Players keep the game great

Peter, you may want to come up with a new title. This one strikes me as somewhat obvious. What else would keep the game great? On the other hand, if you're not saying anything interesting in the column, I suppose you wouldn't want to mislead your readers and make them think that you do have something to say by writing a good title. Point taken.

What We journalists are asked every day is what the Exxon Valdes mess that was the Mitchell report will do to baseball.* Some journalists use their own eyes tests to judge differentiate between users and non-users, with no ESPN classic flashbacks to the 1970s NBA finals or '70s Super Bowl players.**

*
The construction "what...that was..." is awkward, and comparing the Mitchell report to an oil spill makes very little logical sense, so I hope you don't mind that I just removed it.

**I have no idea what this last phrase means. Are you referring to the network "ESPN Classic" or to "classic flashbacks" that air on ESPN? If it's the former, you need to capitalize "Classic", since it's a proper name, sort of like Peter Gammons. You do know your rules of capitalization, right? Oh, I guess not, since you also didn't capitalize "NBA Finals". Also, what do the NFL and NBA championships from thirty years ago have to do with steroids in modern-day baseball? Are you bitterly implying that those players were on drugs? If so, you should probably make those accusations a little clearer, and possibly, I don't know, provide some evidence?

Or you can just come off looking like an old, bitter, defeated reporter, who, despite (or perhaps because of) his unique proximity to the players of the sport he covers, failed to expose the biggest scandal in sports in the 21st century. You want to go that route? Okay.

The answer to the question of the impact of the Mitchell report on baseball's future should be is contained in this week's Baseball America piece on the 25 best players who are 25 years of age or younger. Three of the top ten members of the Baseball America 25/25 list appear in working on my MVP and Cy Young Award selections predictions* for ESPN.com, I had including Miguel Cabrera, who was number one on BA's list and runner-up to Manny Ramirez** in my MVP list; Cabrera is No. 1 on the 25/25 list, with two of my top 10 MVP picks, Grady Sizemore and Joe Mauer, in their top 10 in both leagues .

*"Selections" makes it seem like these awards already happened, which is what I actually thought you meant the first couple of times I read this. Additionally, since you only address hitters in this paragraph, your Cy Young predictions, while surely fascinating, are completely irrelevant.

** Manny Ramirez as MVP? Are you sure? You know he's 36 years old and coming off a down year, right? Oh, wait, he's on the Red Sox. Never mind.

At this point, I should point out that I did the best that I could with the preceding paragraph, which was an utterly terrible attempt to convey a somewhat salient point (presumably that the current crop of young major leaguers is quite good). If you were any other writer, I would advise you to scrap the entire paragraph and start over, because there's no way anybody can figure out what the hell you're saying. However, since I have a sneaking suspicion that you don't actually write this stuff, because you're too busy fielding retarded questions from Joe Morgan on Sunday Night Baseball. Maybe you just have some lackey who writes for you and English happens to be his third language. Either way, hopefully this way somebody can decipher your meaning.

In the National League, ? I have my MVP pick is David Wright as my MVP., who is he's No. 2 behind Cabrera in the 25-and-under catagory category*, and in my preseason top 10 I would have include Jose Reyes, Russell Martin, Prince Fielder, Troy Tulowitzki, Hanley Ramirez, Ryan Zimmerman and Jeff Francouer. and** In addition to all of the young, talented hitters, some Cy Young award candidates appear in Baseball America's under-25 list, namely Justin Verlander, Felix Hernandez and Cole Hamels would all be on my Cy Young preseason ballots. All of the players listed above are 25 or under.

* "Catagory?" Look, I understand that you don't have the time to edit your posts and make sure that they make some amount of sense, or that you have an actual point, or that your theories are supported by some evidence. But throw me a bone here. RUN FUCKING SPELL CHECK.

**There are many transition words in the English language. If you switch mid-sentence from talking about NL hitters to MLB pitchers, you may want to make a clearer transition than the ambiguous "and". Just a suggestion.

Every one of these players were signed and entered the minor leaguers in * began his professional baseball career under a strict drug-testing program instituted by Bud Selig at the turn of the century. Is the testing foolproof? Of course not, anymore no more foolproof than the programs in the NFL or NBA.

*I'm really impressed with how many errors you attempted to slip by me here. Let's count them, shall we?

1. "Every one of these players WAS signed", not "were signed".
2. "Were signed and entered" is not parallel, since the first verb is passive and the second is active.
3. Those players did not enter "the minor leaguers".

You sneaky bastard.

But by scrolling through that well-thought-out Baseball America list, you realize that the game -- as it did through the Black Sox Scandal and the canceling of the 1994 World Series -- keeps re-inventing itself*. Watch Ryan Howard's commercial for Dick's Sporting Goods**, or just watch Delmon Young and Evan Longoria hit or Clayton Kershaw and Joba Chamberlain throw, and know that, once again, the players will save baseball***.

*I have no idea what this phrase means. Isn't the game pretty much the same, just (supposedly) without the drugs? The phrase "re-inventing itself" implies that radical changes were made. For example, "Jamie Moyer re-invented himself as a pitcher when he realized he could only throw 76 mph."

**What commercial are you talking about? And how would this help me understand the quality of the young players? Must be one hell of a commercial.

***I know Foist and I have said this many times before, but it's worth repeating: Baseball is doing fine! It doesn't need to be "saved"! It's setting attendance records year after year! Nobody except a few decrepit sportswriters really cares about the steroid usage of the previous generation, which is essentially what the Mitchell report focused on.

It would have been so easy for you to just write the above column, preferably with my corrections, and just omit the first and last sentences in which you, once again, bring up the steroids scandal unnecessarily. It could just be a nice, fun column about how great today's young players are, and even if it's not earth-shattering news, don't you think it would be a nice gesture to recognize the contributions of today's young players without relating them to the Mitchell report?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Mike Boddicker is to Artist as Peter Gammons is to...?

On the heels of last night's post, I woke up to this Gammons column, which I'm happy (or maybe disappointed?) to report isn't quite as terrible as his other recent columns, at least in terms of his ideas. His word choice and clarity, however, still leave me as confused as ever. The title:

Young pitchers will shape AL East

Okay. This idea is borderline obvious, since we've all been hearing ad nauseam about Hughes, Kennedy, Chamberlain, Buchholz (that name looked really weird when I typed it out - two h's?!), and Lester, all of whom (except Joba) are scheduled to begin the year in their teams' respective starting rotations. Tell me something I don't know.


Ian Kennedy has looked like a young Mike Boddicker, an artist. We have seen Joba Chamberlain, and there is a very good chance that Ross Ohlendorf will be a significant setup part of the Yankees' bullpen.

Here's where Gammons' baseball knowledge trumps mine. I didn't immediately associate Boddicker's name with a pitching "artist", and looking at his Baseball Reference page, I don't see anything particularly artist-like. I see a 3.80 career ERA, which translates to a slightly above-average ERA+ of 108. I'm guessing Gammons just threw in a reference to the first Boston (surprise!) pitcher that he could think of.

In his defense, he did mention Ross Ohlendorf, who isn't somebody I've heard a ton about already. Of course, an opinion of how Gammons thinks Ohlendorf might pitch would be helpful, but let's not split hairs.

The esteemed Bill Madden of the New York Daily News checked with the Elias Sports Bureau and found that no team has won the World Series with two rookies starting 25 games. Indeed, there is a lot of pressure on Hughes, Kennedy, Chamberlain and Ohlendorf, but what is so different in the American League East is that the three teams that can win the division -- and you might be surprised by how many people on the west coast of Florida believe that the Jays have a legitimate chance to win the division -- are all dependent on young pitchers.

Two things here. First, he claims that we "might be surprised by how many people on the west coast of Florida believe that the Jays have a legitimate chance to win the division." The first and second times I read this, I thought, "Oh, goody. Another typo by Mr. Gammons. He meant to say Rays. They are the team that is located on the west coast of Florida." Then I saw the next paragraph, saw it was about the Blue Jays, and was thoroughly confused. Then I finally realized that the "west coast of Florida" referred not to Tampa, although Tampa does happen to be located there, but to the spring training site of the Blue Jays (which is in Dunedin, FL, a cozy suburb of Tampa).

The question is, why? Does he think that if he says "Toronto" instead, some douchebag will call him out on it? "Hey, Mr. Gammons, I hate to break it to you, but the Blue Jays are not currently in Toronto. They're in Dunedin, FL for spring training. Idiot." (On second thought, I probably would have said that.) My guess is that the only writing class Gammons ever attended was the one about figuring out different ways to say stuff. So, instead of saying, "Toronto," or, God forbid, "Dunedin, FL," he comes up with this "west coast of Florida" bullshit. Of course, he then missed the two weeks' worth of lectures on the importance of clarity in one's writing.

Second, would we really be surprised at "how many people" in Blue Jays camp believe the Blue Jays have a chance? Don't most teams enter spring training with an eye toward making the playoffs? I understand that the Blue Jays have the misfortune of sharing a division with the Yankees and Red Sox, but you don't spend tons of cash on Vernon Wells and B.J. Ryan only to say, "Man, if only we had a chance in hell at actually doing something this year!"

I usually don't pick on his bullet points, because it's his long-winded sentences and arguments that truly offend my sensibilities, but this one caught my eye.

The one place that seemed to make sense for Barry Bonds is Seattle, especially if Richie Sexson struggles and they can move Jose Vidro to first base. But indications are that if Sexson doesn't bounce back -- and Sexson's convinced he will -- then Vidro indeed will go to first, but Jeff Clement would get the first shot at being the DH.

I'm with him for part of this. I definitely think the M's could use Bonds, since almost every hitter of theirs is a right-handed hitter with gap power who doesn't walk (I read that somewhere, and it's true - Betancourt, Lopez, Beltre, Johjima, etc.), and Bonds is, well, not that. But two retarded statements stood out to me:

1. "Sexson's convinced he will [bounce back]..." Stop the presses! A player who played terribly last year believe he will improve this year!

2. "Jeff Clement would get the first shot at being the DH." I could be reading too much into this, but doesn't Gammons imply that the Mariners won't go after Bonds because they have somebody named Jeff Clement blocking Bonds on the depth chart? "Well, Barry, we'd love to sign the best hitter of the past 25 years and possibly since Babe Ruth, but we've got this guy Clement, he's had 19 plate appearances in the majors but he's showing a lot of potential, and we believe he gives us our best chance of winning." Is it possible, just possible, that maybe the Mariners won't sign Bonds because it would be a public relations nightmare?

The raves about Oakland's young pitching seems universal.

Incorrect. The raves...seem universal. You are an idiot.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Another Tendency of Gammons Begins to Emerge...

...and this one ain't good either.

We've been rehashing, over and over again, the fact that a) Peter Gammons doesn't seem to care much for using the English language well, or even correctly; and b) either his editors don't care that his columns contain repeated errors, or he doesn't have editors at all.

What we have only hinted at, however, is that, more and more, Gammons has built entire columns around a theory or idea that is either poorly substantiated, obvious, or thoroughly uninteresting. Let's take a look at his main ideas in the recent columns that we've attacked:

3/13: Either "Twins will be bad this year" or "Twins will be learning from Hall of Famers". The first point is obvious, since the Twins were mediocre last year and then lost the "best pitcher on the planet" (a previous Gammons title); the second point is both obvious (nearly every team has former excellent players who serve as coaches and/or mentors) and uninteresting (who cares?).

3/3: "Torii Hunter is worth what the Angels paid him." I would categorize this idea as poorly substantiated, for a number of reasons (see the link for details), but what really stands out is that Hunter himself admitted he would have signed with the Angels for less than $70 million. Even though the Angels had no way of knowing this fact, I'm relatively certain that it defines the term "overpaid".

2/25: "The Giants are different without Barry Bonds." Obvious.

2/18: "The Mariners are attempting to compete in the AL West...but don't rule out the Angels." This idea is special in that it falls under all three categories:

1. This point was poorly substantiated because Gammons' support for the M's boils down to their acquisition of Erik Bedard, who, while an excellent pitcher, likely will not compensate for the fact that their Pythagorean W-L Record suggests that they were extremely lucky to win 88 games (a fact that Gammons himself mentions, thus undermining his own argument). His first statement in favor of the Angels suggests that Jon Garland is better than (or at least equal to) Erik Bedard, a statement that is patently absurd. (He does go on to make a semi-valid point, which is that most of the rest of their rotation is also pretty good.)

2. The point was obvious, because if a team trades away four minor leaguers to get one pitcher, that is usually a good indication that they are trying to win their division.

3. It was uninteresting because predicting that one of the two best teams in a particular division will likely win it isn't really a prediction at all. What's vexing to me is that Gammons could have tweaked his column ever so slightly and it would have been significantly more interesting. All he had to write was, "M's have a significant chance to win the AL West." That would have been an interesting argument, because everybody and his mother thinks the Angels are the prohibitive favorites. Instead, Gammons wusses out by just titling his column, "M's making a run at the Angels", and then, just in case some reader got the idea that maybe he was actually predicting that Seattle would win the division, hedges his bet even more by later writing, "But don't rule out the Angels." I mean...why else would he write that?

I will now quote from Foist's first post to this blog (emphasis mine):

The Gammons we yearn for -- let's call him Fantasy Gammons -- is a writer with Gammons's scoops, Gammons's insight, Gammons's experience, and Gammons's baseball knowledge who can convey all this goodness to us in a comprehensible form, perhaps entertaining us a bit along the way.

I quote it to point out that when we started this blog, we (or at least I, and Foist seems to imply it as well) weren't really aware of just how egregious Gammons' writing really is. Five months later, we're raising the possibility that Gammons is not only a shoddy writer, but a shoddy writer who really has nothing interesting to say. I doubt this has always been the case; Bill Simmons often waxes nostalgic about his eagerness to open the Sunday Boston Globe so he could read Gammons' weekly "Baseball Notes" column. I also doubt that Gammons would have gotten to the position he's in today if he were this bad at his job from day 1.


Nevertheless, going forward, I will pay close attention not only to the bad writing (which is a sure bet to continue), but also to whether Gammons compensates for his subpar writing skills with the kind of insight one would expect from such a prestigious and renowned writer. So far, to quote my Magic 8 Ball, outlook not so good.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Okay, I'll Play

Joist quit right before perhaps the best part of the Gammons article, so I guess I'll have to pick it up...

One sees Carew and Killebrew, Oliva and Molitor and the ever-diligent presence of former manager and current Twins executive Tom Kelly drilling players on the back fields. But one doesn't Johan Santana or Hunter, only the lingering question of whether or not they will trade closer Joe Nathan at the deadline if they're trailing by double digits at the All-Star break.
I think (it's always hard to tell for sure) that Gammons' main theme in this article is that the Twins will probably have a rough year, but the club has some promising components as well. Here, he dumbly decides to present this view to us in the form of what "one sees" and what "one" does not "see" when "one" (apparently) gazes at the Twins' spring training facility, something Peter Gammons apparently did.

So what does "one" "see"? "Carew and Killebrew, Oliva and Molitor and the ever-diligent presence of former manager and current Twins executive Tom Kelly drilling players on the back fields."

A few things about this sentence in particular:

1) I've noted this before: Gammons has this strange and clumsy habit of listing things, particularly people, in pairs. Normal English would formulate the list of ex-players as follows: "Carew, Killebrew, Oliva, and Molitor" (or without the comma if you prefer -- I don't). Gammons lists them in pairs, I suppose to keep you on your toes ("You think I'm done naming players after Killebrew? Wrong! I have two more! Maybe I still have two more after that? Ha! I don't, idiot.").

2) How can a person's "presence" be "diligent"? He could have just deleted the words "presence of," they serve no purpose other than to make the sentence even more wrong.

3) "Drilling players"? The first image that popped into my head as I read this sentence was an elderly Tom Kelly pegging Joe Mauer in the back with elderly fastballs. Gammons means of course that he was leading practice drills, but I've never seen "drill" used for this meaning in transitive verb form. Granted, I don't hear the word used as much as people actually in baseball do, but I sure don't trust English-deficient Gammons to know the correct usage.

4) What are "back fields"? Isn't that something in football?

Okay, so now I know what "one" "sees" at the Twinkies' Spring Training facility. Got it, old Twinkies showing young Twinkies how to do stuff. What next? "But one doesn't Johan Santana or Hunter, only the lingering question of whether or not they will trade closer Joe Nathan at the deadline if they're trailing by double digits at the All-Star break."

Whoops! There's something missing from this sentence. Little Billy, you've taken two weeks of grammar in your life, what is it? That's right, Billy! It's a verb! As an expert Gammons decipherer, I have deduced that the missing verb is "sees," as in what "one" does not "see" because of the fact that the things are not there.

The second half of this sentence concerns the question of whether Joe Nathan will be traded. First off, just how does one "see" this? Where on the "back fields" is the question located in relation to the "diligent presence" of Tom Kelly? Does it take the form of a ghostly question mark wearing a Twins hat? But seriously, way to tie everything together Peter, very effective.

Second, just when might the Twins trade Nathan? According to Gammons, they may or may not trade him "at the deadline" if they're behind by 10 games "at the All-Star break." Pop quiz, Billy: When are the All-Star Break and the trading deadline? Hint: They are not at the same time. To further confuse the timing element, Gammons describes the question as presently "lingering." Shhhh, Billy, stop crying, Peter Gammons can't hurt you.
Boof Bonser has reshaped his body, Scott Baker has been bothered by a minor upper back strain but is progressing and Kevin Slowey will get a place in the rotation after going 10-5 at Triple-A Rochester and 4-1 with the Twins last season. There is no pretense of power, just the promise to throw strikes and get to what should be a very strong bullpen with Nathan at the end and Pat Neshek, Juan Rincon, Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain and the very impressive Nick Blackburn setting up.
Does Gammons know what "pretense" means? What a weird word choice. More importantly, where is there no "pretense" of power? Billy, this is precisely why you don't start your sentences with "there is" -- it's gosh darn vague. Again however, as an expert Gammons decipherer, I gather after a few readings (and based on my recollection that Boof Bonser throws gas) that Gammons is saying that Kevin Slowey in particular is not a power pitcher.

Okay, enough about the Twins, let's skip down to a brief item at the bottom of the post:
Taking in two hours of Bill Belichick with Tony La Russa watching simple spring training drills was fascinating. Belichick asked La Russa to explain almost every drill.
Obviously this makes absolutely no sense. Based only on my knowledge of who Belichick, La Russa, and Gammons are, I can surmise what happened: I think Tony La Russa led some baseball drills while Belichick and Gammons watched. My scenario is not at all what Gammons writes here, literally speaking, but it bears a stronger relationship with reality.

Okay, I've had enough. I'm a bit sick right now, and reading all this Gammons has added nausea to my list of symptoms. Must rest...

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I Just Thought of a Really Good Idea For a Saturday Night Live Mock Commercial

Do you remember those old "Maytag Repairman" commercials, in which the Maytag repairman sat around with nothing to do, because his company's appliances were just so darn reliable? Well, I think it would be funny if SNL did a take off on those commercials, called "ESPN Copy Editor", in which you see the ESPN editor sitting there doing nothing. The twist is, of course, that he actually does have things to do, he just, for some reason, doesn't do them.

The good news: Peter Gammons' latest post has nothing to do with the Red Sox or Barry Bonds.

The bad news? Well, let's see. The title,
Educational Year Awaits For Twins, sounds like a euphemism for "Twins Will Suck This Year". But let's not make that judgment just yet, especially because Gammons' attitude, especially during spring training, is one of never-ending, starry-eyed optimism. On to the opening sentence (actually, paragraph):

Delmon Young got excited talking about it.

Okay, well, I guess "it" refers to the only singular noun before it ("educational year"), which appears in the title. Right?

"This is incredible," he said, looking out across the Twins' spring training site (Lee County Stadium).

Oh. So "it" must refer to the Twins' spring training site. I've never been there. Must be glorious.

"Every day I get to work on hitting with Rod Carew and Tony Oliva, and Harmon Killebrew is watching. I get to work on baserunning with Paul Molitor. It's been great for me."

Aha! So "it" is actually learning from former great baseball players! The mystery is solved! I think! (Note to all the kids out there: Do not write like this man. If you really feel the urge to start your essay/paper/story with an unclear pronoun, please follow it with its antecedent. Don't wait two sentences before sort of hinting at the antecedent.)

First of all, the fact that Young not only appreciates working with Hall of Famers but knows who they are speaks volumes about Young as a baseball player. "I've said all along that the Twins got themselves a future star in Delmon," says one AL GM. "That's great that he understands what that means. We have a guy who had never heard of Brooks Robinson or Mike Schmidt."

Ugh. Where do I begin?

1. "The fact that Young...knows who [Carew, Oliva, Killebrew, and Molitor] are" says absolutely nothing about Young as a baseball player. NOTHING. I'm no neurologist, but I'm reasonably certain that the knowledge of past baseball greats and the ability to hit a baseball are located in different parts of the brain.

2. When one uses the "not only...but" construction, the part following the "but" should be more specific/impressive/surprising than the part following the "not only". I'm not the only one who believes this. From the American Heritage Book of English Usage:

Leaving out the
also from [the not only...but also] construction tends to intensify the first part of the construction rather than supplement it: She is not only smart but brilliant. He not only wanted the diamond but wanted it desperately.

As you can see, Gammons' use of this construction is backwards. The prosecution rests.

3. Most baseball players are at least a tiny bit media-savvy. Thus, if Delmon Young goes to a new team and sees that there are certain coaches and consultants on the team are treated with a lot of respect, he might easily conclude that they're former baseball greats. Or, maybe he just knows their names but knows nothing about them. Either way, I'm pretty sure that Gammons is giving just a tiny bit too much credit to Mr. Young.

These are the Twins.

Somebody tell me what this sentence is doing here. I know he's writing about the Twins, dammit.

Oh, they've lost to free agency or traded away three-fifths of its starting rotation that was fourth in the league in ERA in 2007, and what's left is a rotation where Livan Hernandez may be their Opening Day starter and the four remaining starters were a combined 21-22 last season.

1. "Where" should be "in which", since a "rotation" is not a specific place. Again, this error is common among high-school students. But this writer is Peter Gammons, who is well out of high school! Why is he allowed to get away with this crap? (Probably because I'm one of ten people who noticed this error and one of three who actually cared. Nevertheless.)

2. I enjoy how Gammons uses ERA to prove how good the Twins' rotation was last year, and then W-L record to show how bad it is this year. Yes, three-fifths of it is gone, but the remaining two-fifths (Boof Bonser and Scott Baker) ain't half bad, and the shoddy W-L record can be attributed mostly to their ghastly offense.

Torii Hunter is now playing with the Angels, and they have some issues in their infield. Oh, by the way, they finished 17 games behind the Indians last season and were outscored by the opposition.

I hate when people say "Oh, by the way" for a completely gratuitous purpose. We get it, Peter. The Twins are in trouble. Maybe his title was, in fact, a euphemism for the Twins' upcoming suckiness.

"We've had to change directions," said manager Ron Gardenhire, who from 2002 through 2006 won four division titles and were 97 games over .500.

This error is considerably more glaring than the previous one I pointed out. Ron Gardenhire..."were" 97 games over .500? Really? WAKE UP, EDITORS!

There's plenty more crappy writing, but as usual, I've run out of steam after the first three paragraphs, because it's just too bad. Foist, care to take a shot at the rest of it?

Monday, March 10, 2008

Announcer Dumbness I

We're going to kick off a new feature here, "Announcer Dumbness." All of these will contain actual quotes from actual announcers, and most of these will be so dumb as to require little or no comment. Today, overheard on a Mets spring training broadcast (I should note that the Mets announcers are overall among the best, but even they are not immune to ADD (Announcer Dumbness Disease)):
Ralph Kiner (apparently visiting out of retirement): You know, the
thing about [Pedro] Martinez is that his record is better than Sandy Koufax's,
and that's a pretty strong statement right there.

Gary Cohen: Well, especially considering the era that he pitched in, some
of the most offensive-oriented years in baseball history.

Kiner: the steroid era, is what you're saying.

Gary Cohen: Okay.... I'll accept that (laughing neverously).

Sigh. It's a matter of very simple logic that the "offensive era" did not help Pedro's record (assuming, as I think we reasonably can, that he's talking about win-loss record). The lineups on Pedro's teams were just as much a part of that era as his opponents. Is Cohen actually saying that the Red Sox and (snicker snicker) the Mets were not on 'roids even as all their opponents were?

Also, this has nothing to do with announcer dumbness really, but later in the broadcast, Cohen, reading off a card, plugged: "Tune into Jets Nation this week, to find out everything that is going on with Gang Green..."

Does the SNY channell realize just how exactly -- I mean, exactly -- "Gang Green" sounds like "gangrene"?? How did no one at the office pick up on this?

Better analysis, better writing

I thought I would link to Joe Sheehan's fantastic article about the craptacular Dusty Baker, to make the point that not only is Joe Sheehan a better, smarter baseball analyst than most newspaper and mainstream website writers, he is also a better writer. His prose flows well and is engaging and entertaining.

Buster Olney is so dumb, he confuses himself

I thought I ought to check in, else Joist will kick me off the blog. I'm happy to report, after my absence, that Buster Olney is still a tool.

First, let's try to figure out what Buster is trying to say here. The headline reads, "Not all big deals are bad deals." It sounds like he is going to point out that some large-value contracts are still worth it because the players are good. But then he lays this opening paragraph on us:
Some players in the game are forever viewed through the lens of their contract. As they are signed, the debate begins about whether they are worth the money, a conversation that continues throughout the duration of their multiyear contract and even beyond. If you separate the player from the money, however, and judge him only on what he provides as a player -- because after all, once the contract is signed, the money is gone -- you might get an entirely different view. There are a number of well-paid players -- players who might even be overpaid -- who serve their team very well.
So now he is actually ignoring the cost of the player, because "once the contract is signed, the money is gone." But the entire point here is whether the player was worth the money, given the alternative ways of spending the same money. That is precisely what made the "big" deals "bad." So ignoring the cost just begs the question. This is like if you had a choice between a Fort Taurus for $30,000 and a Lexus for $25,000, and you came to ask Buster for advice. He would talk about how the Taurus will generally do the job, and will be better than riding a bicycle to work. He will ignore BOTH the cost of the Taurus AND the alternatives you have. Ignoring these things allows you to assert the useless proposition that a player is good because he just shows up every day and plays baseball (and, as we'll see below, Buster actually DOES assert this with regard to a particular player!). The lesson: nobody should ever ask Buster Olney about anything.

Now, to be fair, there is, theoretically, an important point somewhere in here about sunk costs. Once the teams sign the contracts, which in MLB are always guaranteed, the money is indeed gone. So they are faced with the choice of either sticking with what they have or spending additional money on a replacement, and occasionally the player disappoints so severely that it turns out to be worth cutting him lose or sticking him in the minors and paying a replacement for cheap to do the job better (see Cliff Lee last year, the Mets and Bobby Bo, etc.). And often teams fail to recognize that the costs of the first player are gone, and the fact that the money was spent is no reason to go with a crappier alternative. But nobody would argue that any of the players on Buster's list are anywhere near that bad.

Speaking of Buster's list, Buster could (and, perhaps, does? -- it's unclear) argue that some of these deals actually ARE good deals, even considering the cost and even though they were criticized at the time they were signed (see Magglio Ordonez, Derek Lowe, A-Rod and arguably Manny). That would have been a little more useful, ableit still boring. Let's run through a few, shall we?

Gil Meche, Royals: His $55 million contract stunned the industry in the winter of 2006-2007, because going into last season, Meche had never pitched in 190 innings in any season, and won more than 11 games once in his career. But Meche shouldered the responsibility that came with his contract last year, made 34 starts, threw 216 innings and had the best season of his career, with a 3.67 ERA. He went 9-13, but …
That ellipsis is in the original. But WHAT??? Now, I believe Buster is one of those baseball commentators/writers who is dumb enough to think that a pitcher's W-L record actually says something accurate about the pitcher's value. But let's be charitable. Let's replace the ellipsis with "that was due only to the utter putridity of the Royals lineup and bullpen, not any deficiency in Meche." This still shows precisely why the contract was pointless. Why pay premium money for a half-decent pitcher when you are nowhere near contention and will still lose most of your games and when you can instead spend the money and effort on rebuilding a young talent base? Oh that's right, we're ignoring alternatives. Essentially, Buster is just here to inform us that Gil Meche had an ERA of 3.67, which is good (without even examining, by the way, how lucky that ERA might have been). Again, thank you, Buster.

Adrian Beltre, Mariners: He signed a five-year, $65 million deal and has struggled offensively at times, in his first three years with Seattle. But he plays Gold Glove-defense, is perceived to play hard, and has averaged 154 games and 92 RBI in his three seasons. There aren't many third baseman who have been better than that.
We should address this one, because I hear the point made often by Seattlites. The Mariners are a decently wealthy team, but not one of unlimited resources. After all, this is the team that had to shed A-Rod and the Unit for financial reasons. Yes, Beltre is good, but the question is, could the Mariners have paid him less, or done better with the same amount of money, at 3rd base and/or elsewhere on the field? Beltre's VORP last year was 28.6. Not bad, good for 10th among third basemen in baseball last year. Of the nine players above him, one is the aforementioned, unaffordable A-Rod, five have not yet hit free agency, and all three of the remaining players (Chipper Jones, Aramis Ramirez, and Mike Lowell) made less money than Beltre (although it is fair to point out that Jones and Lowell both had injury problems in the preceding two years). Exactly zero of the 3rd basemen with lower VORP's than Beltre made more money than he did last year. VORP fails to account for defense, you say? Beltre is overrated defensively and, according to Baseball Prospectus, was in fact slightly below average last year in that department (a FRAA of -3). Seattle clearly overpaid him based on what everyone outside the Puget Sound area knew to be a freakish 2004 season. The case of Aramis Ramirez is especially instructive -- he was a free agent two years later than Beltre (and thus salaries were more inflated in the interim), had a better, more consistent track record, and signed for less annual value than Beltre.
There, some actual research! It took some work, but I learned way more from that than from all of Buster Olney's columns of all time combined. And I have a very time-consuming profession that is wholly unrelated to baseball (although today is a slow day, as you can see...).

Torii Hunter, Angels: His $90 million contract absolutely stunned executives around baseball, because mostly Hunter is thought of, beyond his spectacular defense, as a very good complementary offensive player -- but not a star hitter. He's 32, has achieved a .290 average, has hit 30 homers once, and driven in 100 or more runs twice. But here's the thing about Hunter. He comes to play every day. He runs down balls in the outfield every day. He is a positive clubhouse presence every day. There will be mornings after night games when other Angels will be lagging and Hunter will lift them. And he will get his share of hits and drive in his share of runs and create more than his share of defensive outs.
I don't need to point out why the Torii Hunter contract was so collossally stupid, or the well-known, alleged fact that the Angels coughed up way more cash than any other team was willing to pay. But how completely lame is Buster's defense? "He comes to play every day"??? What baseball players don't come to play every day? Were the Angels considering some alternative OF who they then discovered would occasionally choose to stay home and watch TV on game day? How will Hunter be less tired than other players on his team for a day game after a night game, and how exactly will he "lift" his teammates? Does he really believe this nonsense? And do these nebulous skills, even if we grant they exist, really require a $95 million outlay? Can't they hire a motivational speaker for $200/hour on those sluggish days? Or maybe they can hire Buster Olney as an inspirational example to show that you can get paid lots of money by the Worldwide Leader in Sports to say absolutely nothing intelligent or interesting.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Peter Gammons: "Good" Columnist

I don't have the time or the energy to comment on Peter Gammons' entire Torii Hunter suckfest, but check out the title:

Hunter worth Angels' investment

Next, look at what Gammons writes in paragraph 6.

Now, this is not going to be a lecture about whether this is a "good contract" for a midfield player who turns 33 during the season (remember, Manny Ramirez's contract was once considered so horrible that he was put on waivers; and now with options for 2009 and 2010, the Red Sox believe it's a great contract).

There are so many things wrong with this paragraph.

1. He tells us what his column is "not going to be" six paragraphs into it. Why couldn't he just say, "this column is not a lecture about..." since he's right smack in the middle of the column anyway?
2. If this is, in fact, not a lecture about whether Torii Hunter has a "good contract", then why did he write, "Hunter worth Angels' Investment" as his title? Does anybody else see a contradiction here?
3. Unless Torii Hunter also plays soccer, I see no good reason to refer to him as a "midfielder". I suspect Peter is aware that there's no such position in baseball, but I also suspect that, in classic Gammons fashion, in an attempt to convey "interesting", he has managed only "confusing". Does "midfielder" refer specifically to a center fielder? Is it any "up-the-middle" position (CF, 2B, SS)? Most importantly, does Gammons himself know the definition of the baseball term he just made up?
4. Bringing evidence from Manny Ramirez's contract to support a claim about Torii Hunter's contract is ridiculous. They are NOTHING ALIKE. For example:
  • Torii=CF (midfielder?). Manny=RF.
  • Torii=good (albeit overrated according to many) defense. Manny=terrible defense.
  • Torii=career .793 OPS. Manny=career 1.002 OPS. (Holy crap, Manny is good.)
Manny also managed to avoid the decline that most power hitters undergo in their early 30s. Whether Torii avoids such a decline remains to be seen, but even if he stays the course, he's still far inferior to Manny.

(Of course, Gammons also says that he's not lecturing us about Hunter's contract, so maybe the Manny anecdote served only to quell Gammons' desire to gush about the Red Sox, since he had written all of five paragraphs without managing to mention them.)

5. There is NO WAY any self-respecting editor would allow a conjunction following a semicolon to slide, especially since it's so easy to fix - just delete the conjunction! Add in the missing comma, and you've got yourself the makings of a sentence: "Manny Ramirez's contract was once considered so horrible that he was put on waivers; now, with options for '09 and '10, the Red Sox believe it's a great contract."

Actually, the sentence still sucks, thanks to the completely unnecessary passive voice. Here: "The Red Sox once believed that Ramirez's contract was so horrible that they put him on waivers; now, with options for '09 and '10, they believe it's a great contract." THIS IS NOT DIFFICULT.

Oh, and for Foist's sake, the rest of the paragraph:

This is about a good player being rewarded. This is about the values that social leaders like Earl Martin Phalen of Better Educated Leaders for Life (BELL) in Boston have built into hundreds of thousands of children in Boston and New York (and, yes, Phelan was Barack Obama's roommate at Harvard Law School).

What on God's green earth is "about a good player being rewarded"? WHAT IS "THIS"?? Also, I have absolutely no clue what that last sentence has to do with anything. Barack Obama? His law school roommate? Torii Hunter? Social values "built into hundreds of thousands of children"? Taking into account the first sentence that I completely broke down earlier, I present this paragraph as the worst paragraph Peter Gammons has ever written. That is no small feat, as regular readers of this blog are painfully aware.

Oh, and if you're still on the fence about Hunter's contract, look at this FJM entry. Case closed, I believe.