Last Week: 9-6 (.600); This Season, 31-32 (.492)
Wow! Right out of the gate, we are assured that King's odds of predicting the outcome of a game correctly (and remember, these picks are straight up, not against the spread) are the same as my odds of winning if I bet on red in roulette. To borrow a point from Gregg Easterbrook, you'd be better off just blindly picking the home team or the team with the better record. King would argue, of course, that nobody wants to read a picks column in which he just picks every favorite, but my counter is that nobody wants to read his horseshit either. He has a job only because the NFL is insanely popular, and many of the league's fans are, how shall I say this, morons. They do not care about King's facility with words (or lack thereof); they just need to read anything and everything football-related on the internet. (Note: this also explains the existence of television programs such as "Monday Night Countdown", a phenomenally terrible show but one that at least some people watch.)
Miami Dolphins (1-3) at Cincinnati Bengals (3-1)Another battle of the kid Southwest Conference quarterbacks. Andy Dalton 305 yards, two touchdowns ... Ryan Tannehill 220, one. But it's hard to watch Tannehill right now and not think the Dolphins got it right, picking him in the top 10. CIN 23, MIA 20
King's assessment of Tannehill is based on Tannehill's most recent performance, in which he racked up 431 yards passing, albeit with two interceptions. Of course, everybody knows you can't evaluate an NFL player after four games (now five, and he did a decent job on Sunday). To wit, the previous week, Tannehill went 16-36 for 194 yards with an interception. Gangbusters! Not impressed with PK's idiocy yet? Just wait.
Philadelphia Eagles (3-1) at Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2)Eight years ago next month, Ben Roethlisberger led his first NFL rout -- 27-3 over Philadelphia in Pittsburgh. Steelers haven't beaten Eagles since,
Wow, haven't beaten them since? That's quite an accomplishment for Philly, considering how good Pittsburgh has been over the last decade.
though they've played only once. PIT 27, PHI 17
Wait, what? Are we supposed to gather some meaningful conclusion from the fact that the Steelers "haven't beaten [the] Eagles since" their second-most recent matchup? I think he's actually trying to impress us with the fact that picking the Steelers to win, at home, is actually a ballsy pick, because the Eagles have DOMINATED the Steelers head-to-head. You know, in that one game? That they won 15-6? Domination, I tell you!
Green Bay Packers (2-2) at Indianapolis Colts (1-2)A shame this will be the last non-Super Bowl Aaron Rodgers-Andrew Luck head-to-head match until 2016. GB 22, IND 17
Why is this a shame? Because both QBs are (or might be, in Luck's case) good? There are matchups between teams with good QBs all the time (including twelve matchups between some dudes named Brady and Manning)! Not to mention, of course, the fact that QBs, much like starting pitchers in baseball, DON'T PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER. They play on the same field on the same day, but not at the same time. I can't find it right now, but in the hype leading up to Brady-Manning XIII, Brady was quoted as saying something like, "I'm not facing Manning, I'm facing the Broncos defense." (This would probably be considered obnoxious if somebody like Jay Cutler had said it, but instead it's just a salient, witty observation by the Golden Boy. End of Bears fan rant.) Also, even casual football fans know that NFC and AFC teams only play each other once every four years, and those who had forgotten were reminded by King's juicy tidbit about the storied Eagles-Steelers rivalry.
Cleveland Browns (0-4) at New York Giants (2-2)I know it looks like the Browns' 11th loss in a row, but I've got a feeling Brandon Weeden (he never got to start a game in Yankee Stadium as a Yankees pitcher, but at least he'll start a game against the former football tenant of Yankee Stadium)
I know PK is just trying to impress us by making a witty connection between Brandon Weeden: Yankees Minor Leaguer and Brandon Weeden: Browns QB, but does ANYBODY care about this? The "former football tenant" of Yankee Stadium? By which he means the old Yankee Stadium, which doesn't even exist anymore? Jesus, this is terrible. Also, if you want to make a witty connection to Weeden's minor league pitching career, how about this one: "Weeden goes from pitching for a minor league baseball team to starting at quarterback for a minor league football team." See, it's funny because the Browns are atrocious.
and D'Qwell Jackson (three sacks, two interceptions, a fumble recovery, two blocked passes) make it tougher on the Giants than it should be. NYG 23, CLE 20
"Good news, Browns fans! I know it looks like the Browns will lose, but in fact, they will lose, just not so badly." For the record: they lost badly. Also, I love the name D'Qwell. How did his mother get to that name? Did she start with the word "quell", and then add a "D" and an apostrophe, and then decided it wasn't weird enough, so she changed the "U" to a "Q"? I'm honestly curious.
Chicago Bears (3-1) at Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3)Trap game. You should be too good for this, Bears.
Leaving aside the question of whether trap games exist (based on this article, they don't), this probably isn't a trap game, since the Bears have a bye next week. Whatever. Also, I love how Peter addresses teams directly in the second person, and proceeds to lecture them. "Whatever you say, Mr. King. I'm terribly sorry."
And you will be, because Jay Cutler should have a relatively pressure-free game. Jacksonville's last in the NFL with two sacks. CHI 23, JAX 15
Oh, snap! The ol' switcheroo! (Side note: The Jags are bad.)
Denver Broncos (2-2) at New England Patriots (2-2)The 13th time's a charm. Tom Brady (8-4 versus Peyton Manning) has a tougher time with this Denver team than he did with Tim Tebow's Broncos last January (now, how hard would that be?), but America will be all the better for it.
First, what the hell does "the 13th time's a charm" mean? The only way this would make sense is if Brady (or Manning) had never beaten the other's team. Of course, the cited 8-4 record belies that possibility. Second, "America will be all the better for it?" I understand that people care, probably too much, about the NFL, and matchups between teams with marquee QBs in particular, but don't you think you're overstating the case just a tad?
A superb late-afternoon game Sunday, a battle to the end in Foxboro, and I say Manning's going to have the ball in his hands sometime in the last five minutes with a chance to win. NE 30, DEN 27
This is actually a pretty accurate prediction, but I wonder whether King meant to insult Manning by suggesting that he'd have a chance to win "with the ball in his hands" but then predicted a Patriot victory, or whether he's just a sloppy writer. My money's on the latter.
Buffalo Bills (2-2) at San Francisco 49ers (3-1)Dave Wannstedt's got to be pulling his hair out. The Bills field the best defensive line in football, on paper, and Buffalo's allowing 286 passing yards a game and 4.8 yards per carry. Buck up, Mario Williams and Marcell Dareus. You're too good to be playing this soft. I might suggest watching the relentlessness of Justin Smith and Ray McDonald. Those are two baaaaaad defensive linemen. SF 31, BUF 17
Wanny's pulling his hair out? His head hair? OR HIS MUSTACHE HAIR??? OK, sorry to expose you to that. Anyway, I think Buffalo has officially relinquished the title of "best defensive line in football", if they ever had it, after being gashed for over 300 yards rushing on Sunday. I also don't quite understand the space limitations of this column. In several places, King writes in shorthand (as in, "Steelers haven't beaten Eagles since"), but here he finds the space to put six "A"s in the word "bad". Color me confused.
Tennessee Titans (1-3) at Minnesota Vikings (3-1)Thanks God it's October. That's the Titans' mantra after losing September games by 21, 28 and 24 points, sandwiched around the game that now looks totally freaky, the 44-41 win over Detroit.
This kind of deranged analysis suggests that the calendar month actually influences the Titans' ability to be competitive. OK, let's say that King has the inside scoop on the players, and players have privately told him that the turning of a new month does actually help them refocus. Far-fetched, but OK.
Only hope here is to shut down Adrian Peterson, which I don't see happening. MIN 30, TEN 12
"Thanks God it's October! Now we can get blown out again!" This is Peter's most accurate prediction of the week, but of course he weakens it by babbling about what month it is.
You're also assuming that a) there are people who still call remotes "clickers", and b) these "clickers" don't also have the ability to toggle back and forth between the games, which both feature lots and lots of commercials. This is not a good assumption.
Houston Texans (4-0) at New York Jets (2-2)I'm assuming Major League Baseball is going to put the Yankees' Division Series game two, scheduled for Monday, in prime time. Bad news for ESPN. If the Yanks play Monday night, clickers all over the metropolitan area will be switching away from this game around 9:15 Eastern Time Monday evening. Not even sure the Tebow Watch will be able to hold non-Bible Belt viewers. HOU 33, NYJ 13
You're also assuming that a) there are people who still call remotes "clickers", and b) these "clickers" don't also have the ability to toggle back and forth between the games, which both feature lots and lots of commercials. This is not a good assumption.
I planned to write this post on Friday, but was unfortunately sidetracked and didn't finish it until today. What's crazy is that with all of the useless analysis, non-sequiturs, and awful writing in this piece, King actually predicted 12 of the 14 games correctly. Maybe making fun of his writing actually makes his predictions better. Or, maybe for King's prognosticating abilities, "Thanks God it's October!"
Until next time.*
*Approximately April 2016.
